Enclosed, please find the first three chapters of my newest manuscript, a murder mystery called “A Murder of Crowes.” The main characters are vampires, but don’t worry – they don’t sparkle and they don’t have the ability to conceive children. Nope, these are very nearly your normal, run-of-the-mill vampires.
I suppose I should warn you before you get into the sample chapters – there’s sex in this book. Lots of sex that runs the gamut from romantic to sadistic. To be frank, I was a little worried about the amount of sex until a friend – who shall remain nameless, in case you want to hunt her down and strangle her – reminded me that sex sells. So the sex is staying in the book.
But enough about the book and more about me. I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was seven years old. I am now 34, so you can see this really has been a life-long dream. If you sign me today and help me find an editor and a publishing deal, you’ll be instrumental in fulfilling that little seven year old’s dream. It’ll be good for your soul and your karma!
And when you sign me on as a client and hand-deliver my first advance, along with a huge bouquet of balloons and Siberian irises and five pounds of gummi worms (you’re that kind of agent, I just know it!), you’ll be helping fulfill another dream of mine. You see, when I was 17 years old and dating Liam O’Quinn (who was a rock n’ rolla if ever there was one) I wanted a tattoo. There’s so many choices, though! Any potential body art has to be carefully selected; they’re permanent, you know. But after dithering for nearly 15 years over what I want to painfully and permanently ink onto my skin, I finally decided that when I sold my first creative piece – be it a photograph, an article or a book – I’d get a tattoo. So, if you sign me now, you’ll help add me to the legion of unique snowflakes out there, all sporting oh-so-serious tattoos that reflect some important and existential event in their life, like the birth of their first child, the death of their brother-in-arms, or the night they got pissed (read:drunk) and had their girlfriend’s name put on their arse.
A further thought – sign me and you’ll virtually be licensing yourself to print money! Look at what happened to Stephanie Meyers and we both know I’m a better writer than she. You’ll get a cut of all the books, right? Part of the royalties for the screenplay, which I’ll insist on helping with so they don’t completely screw it all up, and the take from the box office profits will be yours, too!
So, to recap:
- My book’s about vampires. Vampires are hot right now.
- There’s lots of sex in my book. Sex sells.
- I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was seven years old. Life-long dream.
- I’ve wanted a tattoo for the past 20 years. Unique snowflakes.
- Lots and lots of money for you and me. Win-win!
Just think on it for a day or so. I know you’ll make the right decision.
Fiona Skye, author in waiting
PS – in case there is, for some strange and inexplicable reason, a real literary agent reading this, rest assured this is not the real query I’ll be sending out. No, the real query will be stained with tears as I contemplate rejection and most likely will be used as Defence Exhibit A at my murder trial. Just kidding. Sorta.